I've been in a crummy place for the last week. Had some yucky muck stirring through my head and I spent way more time than I care to admit trying to sort it all out and place it back in nice, freshly fluffed bits. Lots of soul searching, digging deep, evaluating what kind of woman it is that I want to be.
After some tears and restless nights, I'm finally finding peace with those thorns that were sticking me.
I have a clearer vision, a shifted and refocused mind, and it's starting to feel good again. Minus the fact that I woke up this morning with a cold. Boo.
You see, it's a choice we have. To be happy. To be sad. Or mad. To feel limited based upon this and that. I might think my life is pretty crazy some days, but then I think long and hard about what it is I want. I want to be here, even if it means I feel stuck some days. Because for all the days I feel like I want to run out the back door screaming, I have that many days times ten that are beautiful and joy filled.
Most days I find myself tangled in the things I want to do, have to do and know I should do. I don't always find my balance. I don't know if I ever will. But I know that it's my choice to wake up happy, to give the day a can do attitude, and to make the most of it. And those days that are filled with the things I want to do, the things I have to and should do come easily. I can find joy in them.
While decorating our Christmas tree last weekend, I stumbled upon a piece of paper Nick and I had scratched some notes upon and tucked away in a Christmas tote. It was titled "Things to do different next Christmas". A year later, we agree one hundred and ten percent with everything written on that list. It hugely focuses on putting our own little family first, and giving our kids the gift of us, our time, our attention, our love. That's not always easy to do. But I have been focusing really hard on that this holiday season, and it's feeling really good. It's making my heart very happy.
We're saying no to some traditions, things that we felt obligated to do because that's just what's done. Instead, we're laying the foundation for our own family, doing what feels good and right.
We've spent the last few weekends going on hikes, visiting the Children's Museum, doing family movie nights, making treats together. And in between, there has been lots of snuggling, playing, story reading, rocking babies to bed, because it feels good. And makes us happy.
My friend Becky shared this quote the other day, and it struck right at home with me.
"Its not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you are not."
Wham. That pretty much sums up the muck I was swimming in last week.
Only I can choose who I want to be. What legacy I want to leave behind. And at the root of it all, I want to be awesome for myself. And my kids. And my husband.
It's my choice to be happy.
The world is mine, and it is what I make it. And I am choosing to make it good.
*Photos taken at the Minnesota Landscape Arboretum this weekend. Gorgeous, right?